I wanted to write this morning, as usual with no spell-check or grammar ck, because I had a heavy heart with all that has gone on the this week with the Outlaw Preachers. I did not intend to write this when I first got up, but read a dear friend's sermon, thank you John, and found myself hopeful again. And with something to say.
I have devoted waaay too much time to this subject this past week and need to go on to my real life much more. But I wanted to post a few thoughts on the word, "amends". Here's the official definition:
reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind.
The reason I am writing this is because it's easy to say "I'm sorry" and walk away. It's simple to write "I know I was a bit crass but at the time....". or "at the time my anger was justified but....". this is not an apology to me. It is deflecting responsibility of one's own words, and invalidating my feelings as a human being. It's a band-aid on a knife cut, with the blood running out from under it. And it won't do for me anymore. I won't accept it.
In my experience with therapy and certain programs I was taught a valuable lesson. If you're going to bother to apologize, then make amends. MAKE AMENDS. The apology is nothing without at least the offer of amends. Here's why. Just the simple saying of three syllables, "I'm sorry" is empty. It has no meat on it. It has no weight. It is just air coming thru lips. But to at least offer to make amends.....that puts work with the words. It engages one in a physical act of some type to try and make the hurt right again. It forces one to be humble enough to say "What can I do to make this better for you, as I am responsible?". I think it takes one to a place of recognition in one's heart that we have indeed hurt someone in some way and need to SHOW we are sincerely ashamed of our actions. It is an act of asking forgiveness that a simple phrase will never cover.
i do not say I'm sorry easily. I never have. But the older I have become the easier it gets. And the easier it gets, the more relief I get out of trying to make amends. It really heals two people, the person who has been hurt, but the person who has inflicted the hurt as well. I'm sure there is some Biblical reference for this but as it is early and I am just writing as I think this, I do not know it at the moment. I am just writing out of my own personal knowledge.
To me the worst thing someone can do is apologize then try to rationalize it. It defeats the entire person. A favorite T.V. show of mine "The West Wing" had Jed Bartlett say something to this subject I have never forgotten. When his wife Abby was trying to apologize for doing or saying something wrong but kept saying "BUT" he looked at her and said "No, no buts. Just sit there and be wrong". ........Just sit there and be wrong. Can we do that. I haven't seen it. I try to apologize when I am hurtful. i try to say "What can I do to help make this right?" even if it takes a conversation, a time for me to just "sit there and be wrong" and listen to the person's point of view without interruption, without explanation, without wiggling. And there is a big difference between listening and HEARING. Hearing is taking words into my heart and comprehending. Feeling them. I learned that at therapy too..heh.
Every one of us wants to be heard. I understand that. But does everyone of us want to HEAR? Can we make amends to people we have hurt? I don't do it every time. But I try. An apology with a "but" on the end is not an apology. Just sayin....and i know I have the right to be heard.
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4 comments:
I completely agree. The problem seems to be it's the same people offering apologies and amends over and over and over and over again. It's as if men who place their friends in a position of leadership have no balls to hold them accountable for when they fuck up and hurt the sheep. They apologize to satisfy their "followers" approval and add a but...to explain away their responsibility in justifying the hurt they caused. It's ridiculous. It should be unacceptable but that's what happens when you have ego's get together, deem themselves the "be all end all" and have NO ACCOUNTABILITY for someone to say "Hey, sit there and be wrong." Thank you for the blog, it was really good. Now I'm going to the other one! lol
Very good Lisa.
You are so right as soon as the "but" comes up any contrition has been negated and is going to be excused by the injuring party in the very next breath. People cannot have it both ways, you cannot both be wrong and excused. Regardless of your situation or circumstance when you treat others badly you have acted badly. Just own it, don't try to excuse it or minimize it. All excusing your bad behavior does is injure your victim again, making another cause for apologizing and amends.
We can demand apologies all we want, but the model I see in Christ is that forgiveness does not demand anything. “Father, forgive them. They don't know what they are doing,” he says of those involved in his execution. I've learned that often it is forgiveness that *leads to* making amends not the other way around. Can we forgive those who don't know they have wronged us? I hope so. Often it is the only path to redemption. Someone has to break the cycle, and I only have control over myself.
People often accuseme of being too forgiving. The alternative has simply led me to despair. I saw one of the outlaw preacher folks post something along these lines a while ago:
"Lord, if I can't forgive to begin healing, may I heal to begin forgiving."
Praying for healing for you because I've been there, and I know how much it sucks the life out of me. No one should have to go through that, and, fortunately, I don't believe you have to. May grace, mercy, and peace find you.
I hope you receive that in love. I mean it with all of my heart.
Anon - I don't demand anything. I'm not demanding anything. I am simply stating how I feel. I respect your point of view but I dont agree.
I feel if I am not getting out of any interaction what I need I simply move on. I have done the work here, that I feel I need to do, and whether I have been heard or not is not in my hands. There IS such thing as personal responsibility, and I take mine. and that's how I am at peace. Knowing I have attempted to do what ever I can to explain my position, and not to argue about it. But I do not hold grudges. I simply do not keep putting myself in the position to be abused.
Whatever people as individuals or a group want to continue doing is not my responsibility. As you said I only have control over myself. And that is very true. I agree. But sometimes people need to learn what they are presenting as representativies of Christ and sometimes that means having a mirror thrown up to see it. In other words, they get so involved in themselves and the small bubble of a group, they become blind. If that is their choice, that's fine. But it does not represent the God I know and love.
Thank you for your concern and prayers. I'll take prayers anytime and any place. :) But I stand by what I've said.
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