The church, The South, and me, Changes in The Three

Just a few thoughts for today.

When I was very young, I hated the South. I was born and raised here in Mobile alabama and have lived here all my life. I was also raised, not by choice, Southern Baptist. The two were connected by a few common denominators; sweat, being hopelessly stuck in the past, appearances at any cost and class. You put on your very best clothes to go to church and you put on your very best face and manners to go in public. Manners, charm and etiquette were essential in church and in the social fabric. You didn't call anyone out, you smiled and shut up, shut down and sat down, especially women and especially in church.There was something always essentially wrong with this in my mind. So i decided to hate both, my place of birth and church.

Now i think my God/Goddess knows me very well. I didn't know at that early time I was who i am supposed to be. My head has always been rebellious and my heart restless and I just didn't fit. Oh, I know all the old hymms and I can use Southern charm with the best of anyone. But i have learned a few things over the years, and while I'm not calm and passive by a long shot even now, I have learned.

I have grown to love my home, the heat, the sweat, the slow-paced, lanquid life-style. I have learned that my God/Goddess is not in the church dogma I was raised in. Not for me. And that's ok. I've learned everyone has their own purpose and learning curve and while I don't agree with the pulpit-thumpers, I can leave them to their devices while I find my own. It's more important for me to change on the inside than to shake my fist at the heavens at the pale, snarly preachers on the outside.

I have finally learned that the best way for me to change things is to live what i believe. To put into action what I think my deity wants me to do. Some of which is to try and see boths sides of any situation now, to support and embrace my GLBTQ brothers and sisters, to fight for women's rights, to support the homeless advocates, to stand with Occupy and to be WHO I am, 24 hours a day, HERE, where the change is needed. What other people think of my actions is not my business.

A group I have been following for a while has had some growing pains the past few weeks, the Outlaw Preachers. I have mentioned them before, but i have been thinking of the group as a whole the past few days. I love their common thread of love, grace and "letting" one believe in the way that person needs. There's been some power struggles but i do hope and pray this passes and that the human tendency to control passes and the group returns to what drew me to them in the first place. I have met some wonderful people thru this group and have learned much.

I am not at battle with my homeland as much anymore either. yes, there are still awful situations in this society and yes, discrimination still runs deep and stereotypes us. but I have hope now of change, just as with the religious structure. People have started to find their own voices here, the Occupy Movement is small but loud and it DOES exist in several pockets in Alabama. Our gay community is much more vocal and represented, our kids are more vocal in bringing their sexuality and issues to the fore-front, people have started to TALK and talk TO each other, not AT each other. Yes, there is still a long journey but i have hope now. Diversity has finally arrived under the old oaks and trailing moss, political change is discussed on the beaches and the quiet seafood eaterys. Fear of change has lost it's strangle-hold and charm isn't the first priority.

No, Mobile hasn't taken on Utopian qualities, but i can live here now and know I can be involved with the change. When I can actually put my painting of a crucified nude woman on a cross in the city-wide ArtWalk and it be admired or discussed instead of censored, I know change is here. Mobile and religion are changing, and I'm glad.

Murmurings and Hypocrites, Religion and Politics

I'm going to preach a sermon here. I've done it many times in pagan (Wiccan) terms but today i'm pulling my Bible out, dusting it off and pulling from my Southern Baptist upbringing to say what I have to say today. I figured all that hell-fire and brimstone, guilt and fear would come in handy ONE day. Well this is one of those days.

I have a problem with hypocrites. I always have. Not the everyday slip-ups of people who usually do what they say and make a mistake. I mean the full-fledged, soaked in the Blood, "look at me, how great am I" flaming HYPOCRITES.
Luke 12:2

2For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.
3Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.

You see, people who talk behind the backs of others think they are smart and beyond reproach. If they really have God in mind, premeditated cruelty is hypocrisy. It will come out and be seen. and those smug people will be seen for what they are.

The people I refer to attempt to make others think they "enlightened", full of "grace" and love, but if you disagree, watch out. Mathew 23 comes to mind....

5But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments,
6And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues,
7And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi.
8But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren.

I'm talking about pride here, people, a listing of the good things they do for charity, for people, for organizations. Not once but over and over and OVER.

25Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess.
26Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also.
27Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.
28Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.
29Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because ye build the tombs of the prophets, and garnish the sepulchres of the righteous,

They love to say"We do good things, we love, we accept, we KNOW...... really...

I was taught, way back when, that love was supposed to be unconditional. I have suspected for a while now that these new "progressive" people in this group were too good to be true. Yes, there are a few that mean what they say, and I wish no ill to them. But when these "grace-filled" people deliberately murmur behind the back of one of their OWN, much less a lay person, that's when I cry "FOUL!".

Why are they hypocrites? You can't love and set someone up to read things that hurt them. You can't cry "GRACE!" and then laugh at the person in pain. You can't claim God and turn on the people who dis-agree with out even a decent conversation. You just can't.

I have news for these people. i will take a direct, honest approach from someone much easier than a snarky, secretive, "hit-and-run" from a supposed "enlightened" group. Egos run amuck, me thinks, and you know it. It seems you are so full of "the group", the "family" and patting each other on the back that you can't see you are defeating the very purpose you claim. To love, to accept, to discuss, to encourage, what the hell are you people?

Many people could list the things they do to help people. But it's the people that help everyday, unseen, unheard, unencouraged that matter. The ones that are willing to get in the trenches and do it without praise or light being cast on their efforts. My God, the hypocrisy. It's sickening. And people are seeing you for what you are and falling away from you. You see it, I know you do.

How about practice what you fucking preach for a change. You are becoming the MAINSTREAM. Does it matter to you? I don't think it does.....as long as another of your group is patting you on the back.

My personal experience with Sexual harassment

Sexual harassment is personal issue with me and in the past few weeks, with all the allegations against herman Cain, it has made me think about it again. I have read all over Twitter "where's the proof?" and "why won't the women come forward if it's true?". Not suprising, most have been men asking these questions. I have been a victim of serious sexual harassment at work and I would like to offer my opinions on this subject.

Let me say as briefly as possible what my situation was. I worked at Courtauld's Fibers in 1995, a rayon plant here in Mobile Alabama. It was a dirty, physically exhausting job, running a baling machine that compacted rayon into 550 lb bales and then pulling those bales out of the machine at 4 minute intervals. It was a predominately male environment, as most of my jobs had been, and shift work. I was on "D" which had the rowdiest reputation but also had a particular male who worked side-by-side with me, whose name I will not mention.

If you have never worked in a male-dominated construction or plant environment, it's hard to explain. I was mid-thirties at the time, slim, muscular by working so hard and yes attractive. When you work in this situation where your safety and sometimes your very life are attached to your co-workers as you are working with dangerous machinery, you take a lot. You shut your mouth and get tough. Really tough. A "Fuck you" tough. I hadn't expected to have to get as tough as I did.

The plant was huge, loud, dimly lit, dank. Very much a "Norma Rae" environment except much larger, and dirtier. Workers looked out for each other but the 'good ol' boys" standard ruled. From the first day I was on the floor there, i was harassed. First the looks, the smiles, the dirty joke, and the god-awful conversations in the Number Nine breakroom, a small, squalid space next to Number nine Balepress, the hardest and fastest press in the plant. It was known whoever worked that press was hard-core. I worked that press.

Male friends were all I had there, so trying to embarass me was the fun of the press, especially at night. Mostly it was done in jest, which is no excuse, but I would let it ride, and cover the rage and irritation with appropriate come-backs, and quickly I earned the nic-name "Harley". I earned the "respect" of the males because I could take a joke, they thought.

This was a union job and it paid well with good insurance. i was a single mom of two, I needed that job. So after a couple of years the male who pushed it too far finally got tired, I suppose, of me turning down his constant sexual suggestions, standing against me in corners, following me with lurid requests and decided to take it to the next level. While sitting on break talking to another male friend of mine at another press, this person, let's call him "Dick", came up from behind me, put his arms around me and clasped my breasts. I was shocked as was the other male there. I turned around and told him to fuck off and never do it again and was, apparently, visibly shaken. My friend asked if I was ok and I said yes, not to worry about it, but to make a long story short, the incident soon made it's way to the supervisor and I was called in to make a formal complaint.

I was faced with a choice. The Union rep was there and I had to make a decision fast. I had a witness, would he come forward? I didn't know. And to make a complaint of this kind, in this environment had ramifications. A "shunning" of sorts, of the males in the plant. Which could be dangerous. But as i was known as the hard-core feminist there I had to go thru with it. I made the complaint, "Dick" was called in, he denied it, then they called the rest of the shift in. I still do not know to this day what was said in those meetings, except that my friend said, yes, he had seen it. This is a very abbreviated account of this, nothing could describe the tension and fear.

You see the rest of the shift had seen this guy constantly harass me, heard him when he would yell across the entire floor, above the constnat din of machinery "Hey Harley, when you gonna gimme some that p***y? and worse. They knew. All of them. but I don't know who admitted it except for one.

They put him on a different shift, and finally had to fire him after that, for not working. He began to start riding by my house, honking the horn, stopping in my front yard, sending warnings thru his friends at work, and Human Resources took it seriously enough to put a paid guard outside my house for weeks. "Dick" was known as a fighter; fighting dogs, cocks, men, beating women, you get the drift and was an avid hunter. After about 6 weeks of this I decided to move. And the day after I moved my house was broken into, a sliding glass door broken and the house trashed. This all was documented.

Why do women not come forward? Because it completely disrupts your life. Every move, every trip to the store, every THING comes into play. Retribution is real. What if I had reported all the harassment before the physical harassment? Nothing would have been done and I would have been shunned worse than I was after the report. Oh yes, I was shunned. All but one of my friends would not even look at me, and the friend that stood by me was my gay friend who had hated "Dick" as much as me, because "Dick" had constantly harassed him as well, trying to get him to admit being gay. My friend did not dare "come out" in that environment. It would have meant certain death. Literally.

So when all these people say "Where's the proof?"....what do you want? a film? then the women would be slut and porn trash. What proof will satisfy? FOUR women have come out. WHEN will our women be safe. I know my story is an extreme case, but sexual harassment is the same in any case. It is power. And control. And the fear of the woman she won't be believed. Fear of her reputation being ruined, of past being brought up, very much the same circumstances of rape.

What if one of these women were your sister, your mother, your daughter? Would you believe them then? Think about it. Don't discount them. It happens every day.

Love, God and all that stuff..

Alot has been written over the past few months on politics, and religion, angst and hypocrisy, bullying and priviledge, you get the point. Sunday mornings are usually my time for reflection and it's been my habit over the past several weeks to read a friend's blog, his Sermon, for brain-food. His name is John Harrison, tragic_pizza on Twitter, and i want to share some thoughts on this man and also just some ramblings of my own.

Let me say that I joined Twitter at the begining of the summer to research the Outlaw Preachers after being somewhat disenchanted with this group on Facebook. I wanted to see if there was a human, a personality somewhere behind all the arguments and pomposity, a person that i could ask what the hell was all this new stuff I was reading. I happened on to John's Twitter along with several other Outlaw Preachers.

I have not been impressed with this loosely- gathered group as a whole. Egos abound and basic questions aren't acknowledged or distainfully answered with as few words as possible as tho the question itself isnt deep enough to bother with. If there is one thing I despise is being treated as if I'm a child. At the age of 52 years old, I have actual scriptural knowledge but also life knowledge that counts for a great deal. I don't like being dismissed or patted on the head when I am on a quest for answers.

I am a stubborn sort, and honesty is what i just wallow in. I don't care if it is startling or shocking or subtle, i just love the Truth. I love people that tell the truth. Hence my mention of John, and I hope he doesn't mind me writing this about him.

When i ask a question, often times, especially with the Outlaw Preachers Inner Sanctum, I get a lot of gobble-de-gook of OT versus Nt, platitudes, or argument that covers the person's lack of knowledge, plainly written, they don't know. Yes, yes, YES, I know they don't have a basic theory that includes all in the group, but when I ask an opinion, I would guess everyone has one. It seems that if they don't know an answer to my questions, they get angry and go on to the easier questions. John harrison has the balls to say "I don't know". And I dont think the OP has the slightest idea what an asset this man is to their group.

It's rare these days for someone to say that, you know. It's a simple phrase. "I don't know". It seems everyone has to have the answers, has to be seen as an intellectual icon. Why? In this age of Twitter and Facebook, I think having a 140 answer is the trend. Where did honest conversation go? Why can't humans interact anymore, even thru the sterile environment of the computer? Social network was supposed to ease debate, make it available to everyone. It seems to me that it has given us a convienient hiding place, to drop quotes and statements without the responsibility of explaining the meaning or having a real conversation. One can drop a 140 statement then disappear into thin air. This doesn't work for me especially when discussing religion or new thoughts on the parts of the Bible that don't count anymore. I don't do "hit and runs". Sure, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when you put it into the abyss of Twitter, and people are free to see what you are saying, I think the responsible thing to do is to answer questions about the intent of the opinion.

This Halloween I will observe my ritual of Samhain, the begining of the New Year for pagans. i don't consider myself a pagan because i believe in Jesus Christ, but i am still struggling with the concept of the Trinity. so i will thank my Lord and Lady for all that i have, reflect on the past year and ask for blesings for the next. i will build my fire and light my candles for the ritual that I love but you know what? i see God, the Christian God in these rituals as well. I believe that "God" encompasses both male and female and the only difference between my "pagan" beliefs and the Christian God is that the Female and Male are separate. Well, I ask, isn't the Trinity both separate but the same? So is mine.

My ritual asks for patience, love, for other people, direction to know how to best help hurting humans in need, how to help my family. Is this not the same prayer Christians pray? I light candles for focus, for reverence, for symbols of what I am asking. And I will ask my own Great Spirit for the wisdom to sift thru all the hoo-ha I'm seeing thrown out on social media without explanation.

i love the Bible because i feel there is something in it we are not getting. To me it says despite all the arguments of how to love, why to love, when to love, where to love, just to do it, DO it, is what matters. No matter what. Am i going to hell? I don't know. Is there a hell? the few answers i get to this question are varied. But if it counts, i love. Even the idiots with massive egos. i may not like them, but i love them as a human being with a reason for being here, whatever that reason may be. Do i still have a lot to learn? Of course. But at least I'm listening.

Listen to the people who question. Hear what they are asking. Take the time to answer. It may be the last time they will ever ask.

Thank you John, for listening to me and answering me EVERY time, even if it's with an honest "I don't know". With all your cursing and ungodly humour, I feel you are truly a man of God.

Angst and outrage and whispers....oh MY!

LOL! If you can't stand opposing views grow a thicker skin. I'm not here to massage egos. So...deal with it or don't read it. Up to you.

I am getting down to serious painting this week. I'm tired of "casting pearls before swine" and so return with eager dedication to my paint and canvas, paper and pastels, to corrupt some more narrow-minded religious zealots in this town. My series is of a spiritual nature, belonging to no group or church, both the positive and negative of my brain-pan. My canvas always welcomes me, and my paint always says what I want it to.

Carry on the war, my sweet ones. I won't participate this week. Unless something drastic comes up, of course. I'll post the pics of my art as it proceeds.

"I'm sorry, BUT"..............isn't an apology.

I wanted to write this morning, as usual with no spell-check or grammar ck, because I had a heavy heart with all that has gone on the this week with the Outlaw Preachers. I did not intend to write this when I first got up, but read a dear friend's sermon, thank you John, and found myself hopeful again. And with something to say.

I have devoted waaay too much time to this subject this past week and need to go on to my real life much more. But I wanted to post a few thoughts on the word, "amends". Here's the official definition:
reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind.

The reason I am writing this is because it's easy to say "I'm sorry" and walk away. It's simple to write "I know I was a bit crass but at the time....". or "at the time my anger was justified but....". this is not an apology to me. It is deflecting responsibility of one's own words, and invalidating my feelings as a human being. It's a band-aid on a knife cut, with the blood running out from under it. And it won't do for me anymore. I won't accept it.

In my experience with therapy and certain programs I was taught a valuable lesson. If you're going to bother to apologize, then make amends. MAKE AMENDS. The apology is nothing without at least the offer of amends. Here's why. Just the simple saying of three syllables, "I'm sorry" is empty. It has no meat on it. It has no weight. It is just air coming thru lips. But to at least offer to make amends.....that puts work with the words. It engages one in a physical act of some type to try and make the hurt right again. It forces one to be humble enough to say "What can I do to make this better for you, as I am responsible?". I think it takes one to a place of recognition in one's heart that we have indeed hurt someone in some way and need to SHOW we are sincerely ashamed of our actions. It is an act of asking forgiveness that a simple phrase will never cover.

i do not say I'm sorry easily. I never have. But the older I have become the easier it gets. And the easier it gets, the more relief I get out of trying to make amends. It really heals two people, the person who has been hurt, but the person who has inflicted the hurt as well. I'm sure there is some Biblical reference for this but as it is early and I am just writing as I think this, I do not know it at the moment. I am just writing out of my own personal knowledge.

To me the worst thing someone can do is apologize then try to rationalize it. It defeats the entire person. A favorite T.V. show of mine "The West Wing" had Jed Bartlett say something to this subject I have never forgotten. When his wife Abby was trying to apologize for doing or saying something wrong but kept saying "BUT" he looked at her and said "No, no buts. Just sit there and be wrong". ........Just sit there and be wrong. Can we do that. I haven't seen it. I try to apologize when I am hurtful. i try to say "What can I do to help make this right?" even if it takes a conversation, a time for me to just "sit there and be wrong" and listen to the person's point of view without interruption, without explanation, without wiggling. And there is a big difference between listening and HEARING. Hearing is taking words into my heart and comprehending. Feeling them. I learned that at therapy too..heh.

Every one of us wants to be heard. I understand that. But does everyone of us want to HEAR? Can we make amends to people we have hurt? I don't do it every time. But I try. An apology with a "but" on the end is not an apology. Just sayin....and i know I have the right to be heard.

Progressive Christianity..or whatever it's called today..

I have been watching with interest and sometimes disgust, at the new Christian movement today called Progressive, Emergent, a dozen different names. I've been standing outside the circle for the entire summer, interacting with some of the Outlaw Preachers and people associated with it and I have some observations.

I was interested in this "movement" because after decades of Wicca, I wanted to see if I could find my place back in Christianity after being beaten to death with guilt and fear from the Southern Baptist church as a child and teen. I heard "grace" and "inclusiveness" and was fascinated...could this be?

Let me say I am quite knowledgeable of the Bible and quite accustomed to spiritual jargon. So, i am no stranger to the issues and arguments of religion, both spiritually and politically. I am a liberal, feminist and an artist so i am quite open to other min-sets.

This is what I have observed. This group is certainly not friendly to opposing views. I have posted on the "OP" (Outlaw Preachers) facebook and quite quickly drew sarcasm, after being totally ignored. In fairness, there were a FEW that were cordial, but for the most part I was treated like an ignorant child and not in the "click". So I have hovered outside the perimeters on Twitter and gleaned information from time to time from participants who looked friendly. I have asked specific, foundational, boiler-plate questions about how to be saved, did the church still do altar calls, questions about specific scripture and have been told a myriad of things. mainly that the group as a whole has no one view. Each person has their own idea and perspectives on all of these things and much more. There has been ONE person who has been kind enough to address my earnest questions (you know who you are) and others that have thrown out remarks such as "Does the church still do altar calls? That's so 90's!". Having come from an abusive religious background, these remarks and others, and the total absence of comment make me withdraw. And I am a strong, belligerent personality. I can imagine what it would do to a more timid character.

I have listened to pod-casts til my ears bleed, read blogs and articles, andcontributed both opinion and money to this group and frankly I feel fucked. After spending hours of my time trying to see what this group believes in, I have come away with the information of "Love everyone as yourself" and accept everyone on their own terms. which is fine but it does nothing to answer questions of people actively seeking and needing answers.

Look, I have no horse in this race; I'm just an observer who wants to know things. And I will give a bit of advice, unsolicited as it may be, to this group that is relevant and needs to be considered. As a group with differing beliefs, I can relate to that. The pagan church I belonged to had the same theory, to have an open theology to invite everyone who walked different paths. No basic boiler-plate except there is Deity, love, acceptance and learning. sound familiar?

This did not work. I'm talking about the principle, not the religion. When people ask questions, they got ten opposing answers. This is great for debate but not for leadership. In my opinion, especially when trying to achieve new objectives, there has to be some sort of consensus for how to answer questions by people who want to be involved. This is especially true for people who know little or nothing about Christianity or what the new "labels" mean.

Granted, Twitter and Facebook are not the best method for relating such sensitive ideas, but being that the OP's have selected these sites, and pod-casts, etc., for relaying their ideas, there has to be some basic idea of structure for a jumping off point. It doesn't make sense without it to someone who is a lay-person. Most people will just turn away and shake their heads. Being the persistant hard-head I am, I didn't. Hence this blog.

When a person gets ignored or belittled, that person will no longer seek help from that group who has treated them that way. I have seen argument, squabbles, name-calling, screaming in text, and general confusion in this group that would make the main-stream churches sit back and smile. Inclusive? No. Grace to everyone? As long as you have elephant hide as skin. The OP's had their yearly gathering this week, and while the individual' sermons were good, some out-standing, it all comes back to the same thing. there is no basic premise to spring from. Example. jay Bakker said on his T.V. interview there were several ways to be saved. He said Jesus spoke of various ways for the person involved with the conversation. ???? Anyone having even basic church training would want an explanation, not to stir trouble but to be able to grasp the new idea. I have YET to get even a one-sentence explanation for this. Universalism definition I receieved (at least I received an answer) is that either you're already saved because of the resurrection, or you'll be saved in a timely manner or what???? WHAT?? Then the kicker was that it didn't really matter. Well, it matters to me. And I would imagine it matters to alot of other people.

If all of this has MY head spinning, as one with years of biblical force-feeding under my belt, how do you think other people feel? The haggling after the cuum-by-yah conference has commenced. As I thought it would. If your not willing to sift thru all the bull-shit, youre not going to find what you need.

I admire the pure idea of this group. I would not have spent as much time trying to learn about it as I have if I didn't. But you people nedd to step back and take some deep breaths. Seriously. Get your shit together. It's lost it's purity. You want the world to see you as love and grace. Then act like it. You are being watched by people who want to know, people who WANT and LONG to be in the grace of God, all coming from their different experiences. you need to get some basic answers. I KNOW the beauty is the diversity, and I admire that. But I think you get my drift. Don't ignore serious questions. You have become what looks comparatively a high-school click. I don't think that was the intent.

I wanted to know. I wanted to learn. i wanted to be answered. And I'm not the only one. what happened?

Blunt and to the POINT, you've been warned

I have been sitting on this post in my head for some time now but it came to a boil a couple of days ago. This is what prompted it. A friend on Twitter, a liberal preacher who I really admire, posted a sermon on inclusiveness. Good sermon. Then he asked could he preach this to gay congegations, muslim conregations, etc? I said yes, why not, and the reply was something to the feect of I can't point out minority short-comings. Not a quote.

I have had enough of this shit. I am listening to Progressive Christianity because I want to have God back in my life. Period. I won't go all into the yadda-yadda of my background; suffice it to say I was force-fed Southern Baptist christianity for 16 years. I have been Wiccan for decades and frankly, I'm about to go back. Here's why.

I am WHITE. There. I said it. I am not apologizing for that anymore. I am STRAIGHT. There. I said it. And I'm not apologizing for the negative actions taken in that label's name anymore. I am NOT automatically "priviledged" just because i am WHITE and STRAIGHT. Anyone that thinks that is laying the same demeaning blanket over me that black, gay, Muslim, what the hell ever has had.

I live in the SOUTH. No apologies for THAT anymore. I am TIRED OF BEING ASHAMED. When attempting to see how exactly to be "gay-affirming" the latest popular phrase on Twitter, i read where straight people are using the wrong words, using the wrong names, doing the things the WRONG way to help their gay friends. Well EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME! I am NOT reading ten books on the politically correct way to help people, when it's words that are getting in the way. Where is the grace from gay people just to LOVE the straight people who honestly, in their heart, are trying to fucking HELP!!!

My best friend I ever had was gay and that boy, and yes I said BOY, and no, he wasn't BLACK, was the friend I always wanted, always needed. He listened to me because he wanted to hear what I said. He loved me for me. And he was MURDERED by his partner in New Orleans seven years ago. He was in a relationship that was abusive and he had NO WHERE TO GO because he was gay. I would pick him up when he passed out in public places from his Oxycotin habit, he would assure me I was ok as well, with things I was going thru. We SUPPORTED each other, regardless of terms, labels, rules, regulations. miss to this day.

I want all people to see there is DISCRIMINATION on ALL sides, all races all classes all sexes, all EVERYTHING. I am sick of the crap. I support the gay community. But you know what? When I wanted to volunteer at a Mardi Gras Society here that is gay, WITH a gay friend who is a member of that Society, i was TURNED DOWN FLAT. Why? Because I was straight. It didn't matter I'm an artist, it didn't matter I had experience working on floats, or doing backgrounds. It didn't matter that I was volunteering because I WANTED TO SHOW SUPPORT OF THE FIRST GAY SOCIETY IN MOBILE. aAll that mattered was that I was straight. And that was very angrily said to me in no uncertain terms. Rules matter for everyone. No matter what.

I put together a protest here against BP when the oilspill was going on. There was a friend of mine, Muslim, who was there with her head wrap on and NO, i don't KNOW the term for it. She wasn't allowed on camera because of her attire. Was I supposed to tell them forget it the whole coverage because of that? I didn't even know until after the fact because i didn't KNOW it had happened.

Here in Mobile ALABAMA mardi Gras is till segregated, the black societies have their own coronation and King and Queen. Mardi Gras srarted HERE, not in New Orleans. It's that way because people of both races WANT it that way. If I were to go to a black mardi Gras Society and say I wanted to pay the dues and join I would be TURNED AWAY. Rules matter. No matter what.

I am a white, 52 year old Irish, Aries, artist. I have tried to fully support all of my friends, no matter what their "status" happenes to be. I have had death threats for being Wiccan, drinking in a bar with a black guy friend of mine, and I don't care. i have screamed at racist, sexist school principals because of prejudice against my kid for her hair being green when the guys could wear any color they wanted, I have been in the trenches with the "outcast" all my life. And I'm still getting slammed because i am white and priviledged?

Lemme tell you something. I have survived rape, domestic abuse, addiction, dicrimination, sexual harassment at work, have been stalked and gone thru the court system for an abusive ex, been called out for my religion, my sex, my race, my attitude, my attire, my EVERYTHING. I have never owned a home in my life, have been on foodstamps and hated it, blah, blah, FUKIN BLAH!!!! sO FUKIN WHAT! I'm here and I am a viable human being and I am sick of being marginalized because I don't know how to support or help somebody. And no, this is NOT a pity party, look-what-Ive-been-thru post. It's just FACT.

I am NOT republican, am not stupid because I have a southern accent or I type quickly and don't use spell check. I am HERE. And I want a church that is viable that loves that has the grace that I have personally experienced with ONE progressive preacher. NO i DON'T want to take communion on the Internet, I want to go to church and fell it.

Sometimes things just swing too far. I am not apologizing anymore. And one last thing.....anyone ever seen the movie "Magnificent Obsession"? The main thought of this movie is to help people when you can, go out of your way to do it, put yourself out there, but DON'T TELL ANYONE. That was the whole point. It was grace because you really wanted to do it, love because you felt it, not because you wanted to be patted on the fukin back.

So.....that's it. I'm done.